When discussing 5d chess with multiversal time travel sex fm host Dj Tolerant said this “even those who know how to play 5d chess with multiverse time travel dont fully understand how to actually play 5d chess with multiverse time travel”

The game I'm discussing today is more akin to that video where the guy wins by pissing on the enemy's king to push it off the board; And my goal with this video is to teach you to be the best chess pisser ever, so I will have people to play this game with because I need some actual competition other than the dev of the game. This is because it was not originally supposed to be a chess-like and was instead a recreation of a game the dev: “Polish Hacker” played as a kid. When talking about the game on his discord server Polish Hacker had this to say:

“When I was going to primary school, there was this guy named Paweł, and during breaks I played a game with him which involved blowing on coins in turns to land on the opponent's coin. Years later, I met Paweł and we remembered about this game, that day I couldn't sleep and I decided to copy this game to the computer. In addition to the coin mode, I added a chess mode and posted a video from a very early version of the game on a certain Facebook group where someone commented that it looked like Chess for idiots - it is a Polish political meme referring to a certain statement of a controversial politician, then I decided that this game will be a political satire. The game is therefore simultaneously a recreation of a physical game from my childhood, a parody of chess and a Polish political satire.” The statement he is referring to is from alt-right politician Janusz Korwin-Mikke compared organizing the Paralympics to organizing chess for idiots… yeah though Polish Hacker has stated that the game is making fun of Janusz not supporting his fascist ideology.

Anyways looks funny game oooh funny game :) [jingling keys sfx].

Now that we’ve got the backstory (except for the political stuff) all wrapped up we can get into the actual game. So what is chess for idiots? Well, chess for idiots is a physics based chess game that can be played with 2-4 people. The goal of the game is to get rid of all your opponents pieces either by knocking them off the board or placing one coin on top of another, destroying the piece underneath. You do this by using a variety of weapons from a gust of wind, to a grenade. All having their own uses for different scenarios and can combo into each other.

So let's go down in order of how the game presents you in the side bar when you're playing the game. First off we have the blow [vine boom sfx]... it’s useless just use the arrow instead. The arrow puts a forward and upward force on a select coin which gets stronger the longer you charge it and where the force is applied is based on where your mouse is on the coin. It’s good for when your piece is right next to an opponent’s coin to flip yours on top of theirs capturing it. Although my friend says it's very hard to master, which may be true or they just suck idk.

The invisible hand of the market picks up a coin, and carries it for a distance depending on how long you charge it and then drops it. Great to drop pieces onto other pieces from a medium to long distance because if you don't charge the attack for long enough the shot is unstable and will move a random distance making it hard to drop it on nearby pieces. This weapon has one more mechanic which is pretty obtuse and confusing for no real reason. The farther your camera is from the coin you are moving the farther the coin will move. For example if you move your camera to be right next to the coin and charge it fully it will significantly less than if your camera was in another fucking stratosphere. Why did they do this it technically tells you this in the description of the weapon but that description is longer than the fucking bible so no reasonable person if going to understand that is how the weapon works and will just make the weapon feel unreliable.

The Brushwood is significantly more simple: you select a coin and charge your shot and launch it forward; it's mostly used to knock other pieces of the board which normally results in losing the coin you launch as well; but it can be used to move pieces into precise positions to set up future turns.

The final weapon is the Wozdoopy grenade where you drop a grenade near one of your coins causing everything around it to go flying it’s great if your piece is surrounded by a lot of enemy pieces to create chaos and also is the lifeblood to the degenerate strategy my friends where you use the brushwood to push your piece into your enemies main group of pieces and then the next turn using the grenade to uproot their entire defence making them vulnerable to ?:attacks from other players

But instead of using those virgin beta weapons you can use the giga chad special weapons. Special weapons are more utility based weapons that cost SP to use. What SP I hear you not asking while you play lego star wars nico. Yeah I see you. I see everything. Well SP is awarded each time an enemy piece is destroyed on your turn and is taken away for each piece of yours you lose on your turn. Each special weapon costs 1 SP and gets more expensive for each time that special weapon has been used on that coin.

The first special weapon is inflation.. Yk the thing Pyrocinicals likes. Contrary to its name this Weapon actually shrinks the coin it is used on, This is because it is related to economical inflation and how the value of a coin will decrease. I do not really use this ability other than making a coin lighter.

The next ability though I do actually have a use case for it; that ability being Deflation, which makes pieces bigger. This can be used to make a piece bigger so that it ends up being on top of a piece next to it capturing it, this can be used to capture multiple pieces surrounding your piece for crown control. It can also be used on enemy pieces to make them capture their own pieces. This can only be done to pieces that the owner of the pieces has interacted with. This applies to all weapons that directly interact with opposing pieces.

The next special weapon is Hot sauce this makes a target coin flop around for a while and turn into a “german agent”. Now what is a German agent? Isn’t it that guy in tf2 that heals people and shit. Well a german agent it chess for idiots is when a coin is an oval shape and is almost entirely immune to knockback from other pieces making it a good choice to prevent one of your pieces from being shoved off the board, However if this piece is the one that hits another piece all the knockback that would be applied the the piece it hit is instead applied to itself making it unable to knock off other pieces off the board as well. This weapon is usually used to either protect a piece from being knocked off the board or to use it on an enemy piece and hop it flops onto another enemy piece and capture that piece, Though that strategy is very RNG dependent.

Speaking of RNG Polarization is the next special weapon and it splits target coin into two separate coins one coin will be under the control of the person who used polarization and the other one will be assigned a random color. Similar to the invisible hand of the market this weapon has a barely explained mechanic that is not obvious when play and that is if the player whose coin is selected has a king they is more likely to get the random coin assigned to their team; However I like this mechanic way more than the distance mechanic of the invisible hand of the market because it rewards players for keeping their kings alive while the invisible hand of the market just feels unneeded and clunky.

The final Special weapon is the seaweed and is a premium weapon meaning it can only be used if you pay for the premium DLC for this game for $3. Awesome. I love micro transactions; And this is really frustrating because this is one of my favorite special weapons in the game that really spices up encounters and creates a lot of fun strategies but my friends don’t wanna fork over $3 for the funny chess game. Ok well what does it actually do? Well the seaweed places a seaweed on top of the target coin when this happens the coin will fly a distance depending of how much you charged the seaweed, any coin with seaweed on it cannot be killed by falling off the board and will instead just put it back where it was at the beginning of the turn it fell off the board on. Seaweed can be destroyed by getting hit by another coin or the ground. You can also place seaweed on an enemy piece and as long as the seaweed is on the coin you have joint custody of the coin and can both use it on your turns. Whenever a seaweed coin bounces into another coin it will go up a certain distance depending on how much you charged the seaweed when you initially placed it. It also seems to push coins less than a normal coin but take that with a grain of salt. I really like this weapon. It helps make one of your coins stronger or can be used to hijack an enemy coin to either team up with that player to take down a third player or use it to attack their own pieces.

Now there is a lot of information about different weapons and mechanics and it is overwhelming so it's such a good thing that this game has a tutorial that breaks down the game into a more digestible manner so that people can understand thi- the game has no tutorial. Yep. all you get is a giant text wall description of each weapon. This results in people downloading the game, loading into an open lobby, get overwhelmed, leave, and then uninstall the game. Which sucks because this is genuinely one of the most fun and skill expressive games I have played in a while. Thankfully the dev has stated that he is planning on adding a tutorial to the game when he finds the energy to come back to working on the game as he is currently working on other projects right now. Even without this tutorial this is still an amazing game with a lot of strategy and at some points even turns into a risk like scenario where two players team up to take down another player knowing that they will have to break their treaty at some point making it a little tense or you all just fuck around and use the grenade weapon for a whole game. Anyways its on steam, its free pick it up, hop in a vc with some friends and shoot the shit.